Category: <span>Couples Therapy</span>

Couples Therapy Relationship Healing Relationships Trauma Healing By Angela Riesterer 0 Comments

How do I Know If its Time to Go?

When couples in distress come to see me, this question of whether they should stay in the relationship or throw in the towel already is typically lurking whether it is spoken audibly or not. I hear the predicament and the problems. I hear the strained voices and see the pained faces. The doubt. The fear. The uncertainty. The need for third party perspective and clarity—and inevitably I am asked: Should we stay together or should we break up? Admittedly, there is no easy answer to this question.

Relationships are deeply complex, uniquely nuanced and completely well—mystifying. I actually don’t think any of us have the intricate science nailed down as to what actually happens within the delicate bio-pyscho-socio-emotional framework of our intimate attachments and relationships.  Not even those of us with fancy degrees, letters behind our names or even the ones who claim to be relationship “experts”.

The fascinating complexity of relationships to me is like no other—the astounding range of feelings, emotions and influence they carry!  Relationships can be thrilling, demanding, freeing, harrowing, exhilarating, inspiring, gut wrenching, the list goes on. They have the innate ability to usher deep meaning, purpose and even healing to us and our lives. They also have the ability to inflict great harm upon us, trigger deep relational wounds, disarm us and leave us stunned and broken.  What profound power they hold.

The truth is that over the course of my life, relational outcomes of people’s relationships have surprised me numerous times. The ones I thought couldn’t possibly make it due to the accumulated pain and wreckage accrued over the years somehow found themselves able to keep going. The ones I thought definitely would survive and heal due to perhaps more resources, better matched values and more complimentary personality styles, didn’t always. Of course, obvious inevitable outcomes one might assume inflicted by major relational trauma wounds, or blatant chronic abuse was often correct. Others went on to heal, grow and form new ways of connecting and living together. It has been fascinating to humbly and curiously observe and learn from the many various dynamics that interplayed in the different relationship scenarios. I’ve made a list of some of them I’ve witnessed including dynamics I assess for when sitting down with a couple on the verge of decisions and change.

*Timing

*Accrued Relational Damage

*Personality styles

*Past Trauma

*Readiness for Change

*Commitment Level

*Emotional Safety in Relationship

*Individual Resilience

*Views and capacity for Forgiveness

*The presence of humility (or lack thereof)

*Individual insight and ability to Self Reflect

*Social Support

*Healthy intimate friendships

*Emotional Intelligence/Health

*Commitment to Radical honesty

*Self-motivation/Ownership of behaviors and offenses

*More pro’s/benefits than con’s/detriments in the relationship

This is by no means an exhaustive list (and I could expound on each of these in great detail).

In conclusion, there is much that goes into assessing for whether or not it is time to bow out, cut the losses, or stay in the relationship. All of these dynamics and more can serve as important reflection points to think about and process. What matters most is getting zealously honest about how you really feel—about how real and intense your pain and suffering has been and is currently. What the relationship has given you, how it has affected you and what it has cost you—all of you, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And what you really want now. The hope is that one can examine these questions with complete honesty, raw and unedited, without judgment or fear of retribution. How you feel is okay, real and valid and no one can take that reality away from you. It’s yours. Your thoughts, feelings and emotions are crucial data that should also significantly matter to the one you are in relationship with and to the one who professes to love you.

Confidence Couples Therapy Relationship Healing Trauma Healing By Angela Riesterer 0 Comments

Who We Are

For the longest time I struggled with who I really was.
I simply didn’t know who I was.
The home I grew up in was confusing. I was loved. In fact, I was greatly loved.
I was loved in the best way my parents knew at the time to love me. For that I am thankful.
Feelings and emotions were not something we talked about. It was like there was this top secret code that we all ascribed to and followed but none of us knew we were. There could be a massive fluorescent alien in the middle of the living room and while we were all seeing it, nobody said a word about it and we were left on our own to wonder about it and process it internally alone. I remember feeling so many feelings that overwhelmed me I never identified, named, processed or expressed for many years. I am now certain that the natural outcome of doing this makes these mystifying feelings grow deeper and more powerful. I was battling what felt like a tidal wave on my own without the tools or support I desperately needed.

I did not know until many years later that mute crying (crying with no sound) was out of the ordinary for many. I just remember feeling that I didn’t feel comfortable making any sound at all when I cried. I didnt want anyone to hear me. Perhaps I wasnt sure how to deal with them hearing me or the discomfort this would bring.. so I mastered the skill of mute crying. (I still have to remind myself that it’s okay to cry with full volume.)
I wish someone would have helped me make sense of all of the enormous and terrifying emotions I was experiencing and helped me establish safety in my body, mind, spirit and home. Although I had a home, I felt chronically lost, scared and unsafe. “Home” felt dangerous. My brain had a difficult time reconciling these two opposites. It is difficult if not impossible to grow roots and flourish in a climate of fear, addiction, reality distortion, and instability.
Children need a safe encompassing nurturing environment to be able to “let down” and to experience the rest and freedom to develop who they are free of anxiety, panic and worry. When one doesn’t, we end up paying for this lapse in developmental identity in one way or another down the road.

I make no bones about it. My growing up experiences are directly related to my passion of helping people explore discover and walk in the fullness of who they are—primarily who they are as emotional beings. The truth is that we are hard wired to relate, connect and attach to one another through the mechanism of our emotions. So many of us eventually come to recognize our utter delays and challenges with this. The understanding usually emerges from problems or crises in our relationships. Yes. We do often arrive late at this—or later than we might have if we had had the necessary components we needed when we needed them. But I am committed to my belief that it is never too late to redeem or restore what feels lost or unrecoverable or perhaps even discover for the first time what we never knew we needed.

What I now know is that my feelings and emotions are important. They serve as a crucial guide for me and those who I love (and even don’t love) which is why it is essential that I understand them, honor them and pursue healthy emotional expression and connection.
I also now know that I am not my feelings or emotions. They do not define me. I am not good or bad when I experience specific emotions (jealousy= bad, compassion= good). It’s like being thirsty. I am not good or bad if I am thirsty. I just am. It just is. It is neutral. Emotions are like that too (so notice and observe, dont judge).

I now know that my emotions will not overpower me, swallow me whole, leave me impotent or powerless. I can allow myself to feel my emotions and I can withstand the discomfort and pain although in the beginning it often feels like I can’t or won’t be able to. I can strengthen my emotional “muscles”. I know how good it feels learning that not only is this possible, but how life giving, self-nurturing and spirit-empowering it is. Naturally, through our sustained practice and pursuit of healthy emotional living we also powerfully model this for others—our partners, our children, our family members and friends. We teach them the beauty of speaking honestly and living honestly. They get to experience us as people of integrity.

Can you imagine being able to be truly present with someone because we can now offer ourselves freely with no attached shame about who we are? No secrets. No hiding. No cover ups. In this pursuit, we become more real. More connected. More equipped to be trusted. And in doing so, we subsequently invite them to bring their most authentic selves, too. Learning the truth— that feelings and emotions are not good or bad—that we are not good or bad for having them— and that our vulnerability is our truest offering of ourselves is the primary foundation for which we can now begin the work.

So now I ask. What was the emotional climate in your home and family growing up? Was there an unspoken code about feelings and emotions in which you followed? How did this affect you and your identity development? One’s answers to these questions are revealing.
This I know. You are unique, hold infinite value and are worthy of a good life. Your life has a specific purpose that no one else can fulfill except for you. I hope your continued pilgrimage becomes clearer, lighter, and with more joy and meaningful connection than thought possible.

Couples Therapy • • By Angela Riesterer 0 Comments

Safe People

If I had to narrow down what my biggest passion might be in terms of relationships it is probably this concept—safe people. What does it mean to be a safe person? Am I a safe person? Are you a safe person? Am I in a partnership with a safe person? There is a lot to ponder here but when I think about what my personal definition of a safe person is, I think about specific character qualities a person possesses. What comes to mind for me is:

• Honesty
• Gentleness
• Directness
• Humility
• Self-awareness
• The ability to listen to and receive truth
• Acts on need, not just hears
• Grows and works towards personal improvement

When I think of unsafe people I think of these traits:

• Dishonesty
• Defensiveness
• Withdraws or stonewalls
• Keeps secrets
• Manipulates
• Flatters but does not confront with truth
• Apologizes but does not change behavior
• Lacks personal insight and awareness

(Much of the insight I received on this is from the book “Safe People” by Cloud and Townsend—check it out!)

One of my biggest light bulb moments while I was in graduate school was the realization that I had been in some very unhealthy and even abusive relationships. I was blown away by this. I recognized and acknowledged the unsafe traits I had experienced and lived with and the tremendous impact it had on me and the relationship. I also had to admit that at times I possessed some of these same unsafe traits—sometimes as a response to the unhealthy relationships I was in. Other ways they showed up were my own learned ways of being and interacting with people that I had developed over time. Wow. Talk about the bittersweet pearls of self-awareness!

Now the subject of safe people has become one of my top therapy passions and focuses. As much as I love the art and work of psychotherapy, I think inherently I have always been a researcher. I was the kid in school who loved coming home to watch after-school specials depicting family and relationship conflicts. I was always so curious about how these people came to be, who they were, how their problems developed and how they would resolve the complex problems they were facing. I was always intrigued by people. I am still intrigued! I have discovered overwhelmingly that the concept of unsafe people is a pervasive issue in many cases of reported emotional upset and poor well-being. If I probe long enough, I usually can find unsafe people in the lives of my clients. To be fair, some of us do not realize we are unsafe. We have developed unhealthy ways of acting and being over time that have harmed others as well as ourselves. When we know better though, we can do better. It is possible to learn new ways and patterns of relating and interacting that can greatly improve the quality and integrity of our own lives and relationships.

How about you? Can you imagine how our relationships would improve or change if we were all set on the goal of becoming safe for our partners and loved ones? How would it feel to know that you no longer had to walk on eggshells around your partner? That you intrinsically knew you could tell them the truth without fear? That your feelings and experiences would be welcomed and validated? That when you asked for what you needed in the relationship, intentional action would be taken and not just lip service? I wonder if we realize that while we are unsafe people, over time it actually breaks down the relationship. It hinders our vulnerability. We hide our emotions rather than share and express freely. Intimacy cannot thrive or grow in the presence of fear.

Whether or not we think about it much, I think most of us can say we deeply desire safety and trust in our relationships—especially if we have been betrayed or violated. It will take much time and effort to regain these, if they were ever present in the first place. Surprisingly, for many of my clients, becoming a safe person emerges as the primary foundational goal for them. What a joy to assist in this! It is a valuable and worthy pursuit that will reap significant long term benefits for everyone involved.