Category: <span>Relationship Healing</span>

Couples Therapy Relationship Healing Relationships Trauma Healing By Angela Riesterer 0 Comments

How do I Know If its Time to Go?

When couples in distress come to see me, this question of whether they should stay in the relationship or throw in the towel already is typically lurking whether it is spoken audibly or not. I hear the predicament and the problems. I hear the strained voices and see the pained faces. The doubt. The fear. The uncertainty. The need for third party perspective and clarity—and inevitably I am asked: Should we stay together or should we break up? Admittedly, there is no easy answer to this question.

Relationships are deeply complex, uniquely nuanced and completely well—mystifying. I actually don’t think any of us have the intricate science nailed down as to what actually happens within the delicate bio-pyscho-socio-emotional framework of our intimate attachments and relationships.  Not even those of us with fancy degrees, letters behind our names or even the ones who claim to be relationship “experts”.

The fascinating complexity of relationships to me is like no other—the astounding range of feelings, emotions and influence they carry!  Relationships can be thrilling, demanding, freeing, harrowing, exhilarating, inspiring, gut wrenching, the list goes on. They have the innate ability to usher deep meaning, purpose and even healing to us and our lives. They also have the ability to inflict great harm upon us, trigger deep relational wounds, disarm us and leave us stunned and broken.  What profound power they hold.

The truth is that over the course of my life, relational outcomes of people’s relationships have surprised me numerous times. The ones I thought couldn’t possibly make it due to the accumulated pain and wreckage accrued over the years somehow found themselves able to keep going. The ones I thought definitely would survive and heal due to perhaps more resources, better matched values and more complimentary personality styles, didn’t always. Of course, obvious inevitable outcomes one might assume inflicted by major relational trauma wounds, or blatant chronic abuse was often correct. Others went on to heal, grow and form new ways of connecting and living together. It has been fascinating to humbly and curiously observe and learn from the many various dynamics that interplayed in the different relationship scenarios. I’ve made a list of some of them I’ve witnessed including dynamics I assess for when sitting down with a couple on the verge of decisions and change.

*Timing

*Accrued Relational Damage

*Personality styles

*Past Trauma

*Readiness for Change

*Commitment Level

*Emotional Safety in Relationship

*Individual Resilience

*Views and capacity for Forgiveness

*The presence of humility (or lack thereof)

*Individual insight and ability to Self Reflect

*Social Support

*Healthy intimate friendships

*Emotional Intelligence/Health

*Commitment to Radical honesty

*Self-motivation/Ownership of behaviors and offenses

*More pro’s/benefits than con’s/detriments in the relationship

This is by no means an exhaustive list (and I could expound on each of these in great detail).

In conclusion, there is much that goes into assessing for whether or not it is time to bow out, cut the losses, or stay in the relationship. All of these dynamics and more can serve as important reflection points to think about and process. What matters most is getting zealously honest about how you really feel—about how real and intense your pain and suffering has been and is currently. What the relationship has given you, how it has affected you and what it has cost you—all of you, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And what you really want now. The hope is that one can examine these questions with complete honesty, raw and unedited, without judgment or fear of retribution. How you feel is okay, real and valid and no one can take that reality away from you. It’s yours. Your thoughts, feelings and emotions are crucial data that should also significantly matter to the one you are in relationship with and to the one who professes to love you.

Confidence Couples Therapy Relationship Healing Trauma Healing By Angela Riesterer 0 Comments

Who We Are

For the longest time I struggled with who I really was.
I simply didn’t know who I was.
The home I grew up in was confusing. I was loved. In fact, I was greatly loved.
I was loved in the best way my parents knew at the time to love me. For that I am thankful.
Feelings and emotions were not something we talked about. It was like there was this top secret code that we all ascribed to and followed but none of us knew we were. There could be a massive fluorescent alien in the middle of the living room and while we were all seeing it, nobody said a word about it and we were left on our own to wonder about it and process it internally alone. I remember feeling so many feelings that overwhelmed me I never identified, named, processed or expressed for many years. I am now certain that the natural outcome of doing this makes these mystifying feelings grow deeper and more powerful. I was battling what felt like a tidal wave on my own without the tools or support I desperately needed.

I did not know until many years later that mute crying (crying with no sound) was out of the ordinary for many. I just remember feeling that I didn’t feel comfortable making any sound at all when I cried. I didnt want anyone to hear me. Perhaps I wasnt sure how to deal with them hearing me or the discomfort this would bring.. so I mastered the skill of mute crying. (I still have to remind myself that it’s okay to cry with full volume.)
I wish someone would have helped me make sense of all of the enormous and terrifying emotions I was experiencing and helped me establish safety in my body, mind, spirit and home. Although I had a home, I felt chronically lost, scared and unsafe. “Home” felt dangerous. My brain had a difficult time reconciling these two opposites. It is difficult if not impossible to grow roots and flourish in a climate of fear, addiction, reality distortion, and instability.
Children need a safe encompassing nurturing environment to be able to “let down” and to experience the rest and freedom to develop who they are free of anxiety, panic and worry. When one doesn’t, we end up paying for this lapse in developmental identity in one way or another down the road.

I make no bones about it. My growing up experiences are directly related to my passion of helping people explore discover and walk in the fullness of who they are—primarily who they are as emotional beings. The truth is that we are hard wired to relate, connect and attach to one another through the mechanism of our emotions. So many of us eventually come to recognize our utter delays and challenges with this. The understanding usually emerges from problems or crises in our relationships. Yes. We do often arrive late at this—or later than we might have if we had had the necessary components we needed when we needed them. But I am committed to my belief that it is never too late to redeem or restore what feels lost or unrecoverable or perhaps even discover for the first time what we never knew we needed.

What I now know is that my feelings and emotions are important. They serve as a crucial guide for me and those who I love (and even don’t love) which is why it is essential that I understand them, honor them and pursue healthy emotional expression and connection.
I also now know that I am not my feelings or emotions. They do not define me. I am not good or bad when I experience specific emotions (jealousy= bad, compassion= good). It’s like being thirsty. I am not good or bad if I am thirsty. I just am. It just is. It is neutral. Emotions are like that too (so notice and observe, dont judge).

I now know that my emotions will not overpower me, swallow me whole, leave me impotent or powerless. I can allow myself to feel my emotions and I can withstand the discomfort and pain although in the beginning it often feels like I can’t or won’t be able to. I can strengthen my emotional “muscles”. I know how good it feels learning that not only is this possible, but how life giving, self-nurturing and spirit-empowering it is. Naturally, through our sustained practice and pursuit of healthy emotional living we also powerfully model this for others—our partners, our children, our family members and friends. We teach them the beauty of speaking honestly and living honestly. They get to experience us as people of integrity.

Can you imagine being able to be truly present with someone because we can now offer ourselves freely with no attached shame about who we are? No secrets. No hiding. No cover ups. In this pursuit, we become more real. More connected. More equipped to be trusted. And in doing so, we subsequently invite them to bring their most authentic selves, too. Learning the truth— that feelings and emotions are not good or bad—that we are not good or bad for having them— and that our vulnerability is our truest offering of ourselves is the primary foundation for which we can now begin the work.

So now I ask. What was the emotional climate in your home and family growing up? Was there an unspoken code about feelings and emotions in which you followed? How did this affect you and your identity development? One’s answers to these questions are revealing.
This I know. You are unique, hold infinite value and are worthy of a good life. Your life has a specific purpose that no one else can fulfill except for you. I hope your continued pilgrimage becomes clearer, lighter, and with more joy and meaningful connection than thought possible.

Relationship Healing • • • • • • • By Angela Riesterer 0 Comments

When Past Wounds Haunt the Present

I’ve been thinking a lot about how tragic it is when past wounds are still so devastatingly present in relationships.

Perhaps the pain, mistreatment and heartache one suffered relationally is now over, but the fear—the memories—the trauma of what one experienced is still so painfully near and real. Time moves on and life continues. But the sore spots and raw places in us feel ever present. The fear that we might be rejected, abandoned or abused again is strong. Whether we are aware of it or not, we remain in a state of hypervigilance for safety. Some days it feels like we have one foot in the relationship and one foot out. We want intimacy and closeness but if we are honest, the bigger need sometimes feels like self-protection. We remember how bad it was. We never want to be hurt like that again.

Some of us have worked hard to heal these wounds. We have gone to therapy. We have processed the details of the trauma and pain with trusted people. We have grieved and raged and metabolized our full reality of what occurred and what happened to us.

Others of us have received some healing. Maybe it was a very long time ago and it doesn’t sting as much anymore. We have talked about some of what happened and gained insight on how we were impacted by the trauma. Maybe the wounds are still very much there but we try not to think about it. We distract. We stay busy. We try to focus on the positive.

Some of us never received any kind of treatment at all from our relational wounds and have very good reasons for this. The pain and trauma were simply too great and we didn’t feel that we had the resources, support or healthy coping skills on hand for the flood of intense emotions and pain we experienced. For those of us in this camp, the problems in our current relationship are often stark. We have much unresolved pain and trauma which means our capacities are low for emotional connection and intimacy.

Most of us will find that getting into another relationship is in itself a highly triggering event for our past wounds and trauma. We re-enter the often terrifying realm of intimately attaching to another human being. With this comes profound vulnerability and risk—risk for opening up of oneself and getting hurt again. Often times this event will call upon all of our coping tools. It is typically a time of great internal distress as we are confronting our very real fears and past injuries.

Healing from Past Wounds

There is no easy formula for healing. Wouldn’t it be amazing if there was? A hearty swish of a magic wand and “voila!” we are healed. Oh how incredible that would be. There has been so much suffering already. It makes sense to desperately want to not feel any more pain or hardship. The truth though is that there is much work involved with healing and every person has their own unique needs in getting there. I’d like to share some of my thoughts on how one might.

Work On Resolving Your Trauma

Go to therapy. Find someone safe you trust that specializes in relationships and relational trauma healing. Talk about, feel and process the things you haven’t been able to in regards to your past. Get radically honest about what happened, how you were affected by it and how it shaped you. Maybe today it is better timing. Maybe you have more support, more resources, and sturdier coping to handle the tough emotions than you did before—and there is no shame in that. Trauma is stored in the body and needs to be treated holistically. Thus, it is my belief that trauma work is best approached via the physical body (exercise, movement, breath work, etc.), as well as emotionally, cognitively and spiritually. All aspects of what make us human should be utilized for treatment.

Determine If The New Relationship Is Safe

Healing takes place in safe relationships. Pay attention to the behaviors and interactions that don’t feel good to you and resonate with your feeling “unsafe”. This won’t always mean that unsafety or danger is necessarily present but it is important to notice the things that feel off, puzzling or hurtful. If this person is a safe person, the hope is that you can share these things with them honestly and the two of you together can figure out what needs to be figured out and worked on. When one is recovering from trauma of any kind, the need to be in the company of safe people is imperative. You are moving away from abuse, secrecy, manipulation, mistreatment and betrayal. There is now a great need to be “in the light” where one is solidly clear that they are safe, seen and heard. If one does not sense these things, it may be questionable if this person is indeed safe. (Many people can grow in emotional safety if they desire to.)

Know Yourself and What You Need

The hope is that you are very clear now on who you are, what you need and what you will no longer stand for in a relationship or in your life in general. That goes for romantic relationships as well as all relationships. Become good friends with limit setting and boundaries. You are a human being with finite capacity. You have limits. You have needs. You have boundaries with what is acceptable and what is not—what is negotiable and what is not. You have immeasurable worth and value and you are worthy of gentle care, honesty, fidelity and nurturing. You are worth the time, energy and resources it takes to be intentionally pursued and loved. This means you will not accept mistreatment or abuse. The kicker is that you hold these truths sacred and do not waver with that means for yourself and with others. Ever.

Own Your Story

As much as many of us wish we had never experienced the deep wounds and trauma we have from our past relationships, we have. We did. Our fragile hearts, bodies and souls traveled through excruciating pain—and somehow we survived. Admittedly, we would probably choose to have avoided this part of our journey. The hope however is that today we see and know undoubtedly that we learned something profound and that we grew immeasurably from the experience. Perhaps we learned that we could face and survive things we never thought we could. Perhaps we realized our own strength and resiliency. Perhaps it feels empowering to know that we can handle excruciating things and continue to keep on living and loving. What a beautiful and brilliant discovery.

I am fan of making pain count in life. I don’t like to waste things—especially things that had the power to destroy or at the very least render one permanently damaged and without hope. Our lives and experiences are extravagantly precious. I am convinced that we can heal from our deepest wounds and trauma and can live with even deeper intention, meaning, and joy in our lives. We can love even more honestly and intimately and can be loved the same in return.