How do I Know If its Time to Go?

When couples in distress come to see me, this question of whether they should stay in the relationship or throw in the towel already is typically lurking whether it is spoken audibly or not. I hear the predicament and the problems. I hear the strained voices and see the pained faces. The doubt. The fear. The uncertainty. The need for third party perspective and clarity—and inevitably I am asked: Should we stay together or should we break up? Admittedly, there is no easy answer to this question.

Relationships are deeply complex, uniquely nuanced and completely well—mystifying. I actually don’t think any of us have the intricate science nailed down as to what actually happens within the delicate bio-pyscho-socio-emotional framework of our intimate attachments and relationships.  Not even those of us with fancy degrees, letters behind our names or even the ones who claim to be relationship “experts”.

The fascinating complexity of relationships to me is like no other—the astounding range of feelings, emotions and influence they carry!  Relationships can be thrilling, demanding, freeing, harrowing, exhilarating, inspiring, gut wrenching, the list goes on. They have the innate ability to usher deep meaning, purpose and even healing to us and our lives. They also have the ability to inflict great harm upon us, trigger deep relational wounds, disarm us and leave us stunned and broken.  What profound power they hold.

The truth is that over the course of my life, relational outcomes of people’s relationships have surprised me numerous times. The ones I thought couldn’t possibly make it due to the accumulated pain and wreckage accrued over the years somehow found themselves able to keep going. The ones I thought definitely would survive and heal due to perhaps more resources, better matched values and more complimentary personality styles, didn’t always. Of course, obvious inevitable outcomes one might assume inflicted by major relational trauma wounds, or blatant chronic abuse was often correct. Others went on to heal, grow and form new ways of connecting and living together. It has been fascinating to humbly and curiously observe and learn from the many various dynamics that interplayed in the different relationship scenarios. I’ve made a list of some of them I’ve witnessed including dynamics I assess for when sitting down with a couple on the verge of decisions and change.

*Timing

*Accrued Relational Damage

*Personality styles

*Past Trauma

*Readiness for Change

*Commitment Level

*Emotional Safety in Relationship

*Individual Resilience

*Views and capacity for Forgiveness

*The presence of humility (or lack thereof)

*Individual insight and ability to Self Reflect

*Social Support

*Healthy intimate friendships

*Emotional Intelligence/Health

*Commitment to Radical honesty

*Self-motivation/Ownership of behaviors and offenses

*More pro’s/benefits than con’s/detriments in the relationship

This is by no means an exhaustive list (and I could expound on each of these in great detail).

In conclusion, there is much that goes into assessing for whether or not it is time to bow out, cut the losses, or stay in the relationship. All of these dynamics and more can serve as important reflection points to think about and process. What matters most is getting zealously honest about how you really feel—about how real and intense your pain and suffering has been and is currently. What the relationship has given you, how it has affected you and what it has cost you—all of you, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And what you really want now. The hope is that one can examine these questions with complete honesty, raw and unedited, without judgment or fear of retribution. How you feel is okay, real and valid and no one can take that reality away from you. It’s yours. Your thoughts, feelings and emotions are crucial data that should also significantly matter to the one you are in relationship with and to the one who professes to love you.