When Past Wounds Haunt the Present

I’ve been thinking a lot about how tragic it is when past wounds are still so devastatingly present in relationships.

Perhaps the pain, mistreatment and heartache one suffered relationally is now over, but the fear—the memories—the trauma of what one experienced is still so painfully near and real. Time moves on and life continues. But the sore spots and raw places in us feel ever present. The fear that we might be rejected, abandoned or abused again is strong. Whether we are aware of it or not, we remain in a state of hypervigilance for safety. Some days it feels like we have one foot in the relationship and one foot out. We want intimacy and closeness but if we are honest, the bigger need sometimes feels like self-protection. We remember how bad it was. We never want to be hurt like that again.

Some of us have worked hard to heal these wounds. We have gone to therapy. We have processed the details of the trauma and pain with trusted people. We have grieved and raged and metabolized our full reality of what occurred and what happened to us.

Others of us have received some healing. Maybe it was a very long time ago and it doesn’t sting as much anymore. We have talked about some of what happened and gained insight on how we were impacted by the trauma. Maybe the wounds are still very much there but we try not to think about it. We distract. We stay busy. We try to focus on the positive.

Some of us never received any kind of treatment at all from our relational wounds and have very good reasons for this. The pain and trauma were simply too great and we didn’t feel that we had the resources, support or healthy coping skills on hand for the flood of intense emotions and pain we experienced. For those of us in this camp, the problems in our current relationship are often stark. We have much unresolved pain and trauma which means our capacities are low for emotional connection and intimacy.

Most of us will find that getting into another relationship is in itself a highly triggering event for our past wounds and trauma. We re-enter the often terrifying realm of intimately attaching to another human being. With this comes profound vulnerability and risk—risk for opening up of oneself and getting hurt again. Often times this event will call upon all of our coping tools. It is typically a time of great internal distress as we are confronting our very real fears and past injuries.

Healing from Past Wounds

There is no easy formula for healing. Wouldn’t it be amazing if there was? A hearty swish of a magic wand and “voila!” we are healed. Oh how incredible that would be. There has been so much suffering already. It makes sense to desperately want to not feel any more pain or hardship. The truth though is that there is much work involved with healing and every person has their own unique needs in getting there. I’d like to share some of my thoughts on how one might.

Work On Resolving Your Trauma

Go to therapy. Find someone safe you trust that specializes in relationships and relational trauma healing. Talk about, feel and process the things you haven’t been able to in regards to your past. Get radically honest about what happened, how you were affected by it and how it shaped you. Maybe today it is better timing. Maybe you have more support, more resources, and sturdier coping to handle the tough emotions than you did before—and there is no shame in that. Trauma is stored in the body and needs to be treated holistically. Thus, it is my belief that trauma work is best approached via the physical body (exercise, movement, breath work, etc.), as well as emotionally, cognitively and spiritually. All aspects of what make us human should be utilized for treatment.

Determine If The New Relationship Is Safe

Healing takes place in safe relationships. Pay attention to the behaviors and interactions that don’t feel good to you and resonate with your feeling “unsafe”. This won’t always mean that unsafety or danger is necessarily present but it is important to notice the things that feel off, puzzling or hurtful. If this person is a safe person, the hope is that you can share these things with them honestly and the two of you together can figure out what needs to be figured out and worked on. When one is recovering from trauma of any kind, the need to be in the company of safe people is imperative. You are moving away from abuse, secrecy, manipulation, mistreatment and betrayal. There is now a great need to be “in the light” where one is solidly clear that they are safe, seen and heard. If one does not sense these things, it may be questionable if this person is indeed safe. (Many people can grow in emotional safety if they desire to.)

Know Yourself and What You Need

The hope is that you are very clear now on who you are, what you need and what you will no longer stand for in a relationship or in your life in general. That goes for romantic relationships as well as all relationships. Become good friends with limit setting and boundaries. You are a human being with finite capacity. You have limits. You have needs. You have boundaries with what is acceptable and what is not—what is negotiable and what is not. You have immeasurable worth and value and you are worthy of gentle care, honesty, fidelity and nurturing. You are worth the time, energy and resources it takes to be intentionally pursued and loved. This means you will not accept mistreatment or abuse. The kicker is that you hold these truths sacred and do not waver with that means for yourself and with others. Ever.

Own Your Story

As much as many of us wish we had never experienced the deep wounds and trauma we have from our past relationships, we have. We did. Our fragile hearts, bodies and souls traveled through excruciating pain—and somehow we survived. Admittedly, we would probably choose to have avoided this part of our journey. The hope however is that today we see and know undoubtedly that we learned something profound and that we grew immeasurably from the experience. Perhaps we learned that we could face and survive things we never thought we could. Perhaps we realized our own strength and resiliency. Perhaps it feels empowering to know that we can handle excruciating things and continue to keep on living and loving. What a beautiful and brilliant discovery.

I am fan of making pain count in life. I don’t like to waste things—especially things that had the power to destroy or at the very least render one permanently damaged and without hope. Our lives and experiences are extravagantly precious. I am convinced that we can heal from our deepest wounds and trauma and can live with even deeper intention, meaning, and joy in our lives. We can love even more honestly and intimately and can be loved the same in return.