Category: <span>Relationships</span>

Couples Therapy Relationship Healing Relationships Trauma Healing By Angela Riesterer 0 Comments

How do I Know If its Time to Go?

When couples in distress come to see me, this question of whether they should stay in the relationship or throw in the towel already is typically lurking whether it is spoken audibly or not. I hear the predicament and the problems. I hear the strained voices and see the pained faces. The doubt. The fear. The uncertainty. The need for third party perspective and clarity—and inevitably I am asked: Should we stay together or should we break up? Admittedly, there is no easy answer to this question.

Relationships are deeply complex, uniquely nuanced and completely well—mystifying. I actually don’t think any of us have the intricate science nailed down as to what actually happens within the delicate bio-pyscho-socio-emotional framework of our intimate attachments and relationships.  Not even those of us with fancy degrees, letters behind our names or even the ones who claim to be relationship “experts”.

The fascinating complexity of relationships to me is like no other—the astounding range of feelings, emotions and influence they carry!  Relationships can be thrilling, demanding, freeing, harrowing, exhilarating, inspiring, gut wrenching, the list goes on. They have the innate ability to usher deep meaning, purpose and even healing to us and our lives. They also have the ability to inflict great harm upon us, trigger deep relational wounds, disarm us and leave us stunned and broken.  What profound power they hold.

The truth is that over the course of my life, relational outcomes of people’s relationships have surprised me numerous times. The ones I thought couldn’t possibly make it due to the accumulated pain and wreckage accrued over the years somehow found themselves able to keep going. The ones I thought definitely would survive and heal due to perhaps more resources, better matched values and more complimentary personality styles, didn’t always. Of course, obvious inevitable outcomes one might assume inflicted by major relational trauma wounds, or blatant chronic abuse was often correct. Others went on to heal, grow and form new ways of connecting and living together. It has been fascinating to humbly and curiously observe and learn from the many various dynamics that interplayed in the different relationship scenarios. I’ve made a list of some of them I’ve witnessed including dynamics I assess for when sitting down with a couple on the verge of decisions and change.

*Timing

*Accrued Relational Damage

*Personality styles

*Past Trauma

*Readiness for Change

*Commitment Level

*Emotional Safety in Relationship

*Individual Resilience

*Views and capacity for Forgiveness

*The presence of humility (or lack thereof)

*Individual insight and ability to Self Reflect

*Social Support

*Healthy intimate friendships

*Emotional Intelligence/Health

*Commitment to Radical honesty

*Self-motivation/Ownership of behaviors and offenses

*More pro’s/benefits than con’s/detriments in the relationship

This is by no means an exhaustive list (and I could expound on each of these in great detail).

In conclusion, there is much that goes into assessing for whether or not it is time to bow out, cut the losses, or stay in the relationship. All of these dynamics and more can serve as important reflection points to think about and process. What matters most is getting zealously honest about how you really feel—about how real and intense your pain and suffering has been and is currently. What the relationship has given you, how it has affected you and what it has cost you—all of you, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And what you really want now. The hope is that one can examine these questions with complete honesty, raw and unedited, without judgment or fear of retribution. How you feel is okay, real and valid and no one can take that reality away from you. It’s yours. Your thoughts, feelings and emotions are crucial data that should also significantly matter to the one you are in relationship with and to the one who professes to love you.

Relationships • • By Angela Riesterer 2 Comments

Hope and Healing After Betrayal Trauma

“If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it… But it is you… my companion, my close friend.”

(Psalm 55:12-13 NIV)

Have you ever been betrayed by someone close to you? Your heart securely trusted in them only to find out they were keeping secrets, actively lying about who they were—shattering trust, vows, and sacred intimacy with mental or physical infidelity. For some it is a secret pornography addiction, an emotional or physical affair, or sexually acting out outside of the relationship without the partner knowing.

As a therapist, I have sat with many who have experienced the agony of betrayal. I am also a person who has experienced it. I am not sure if there is anything as harrowingly painful. Betrayal trauma is one of the most excruciating experiences a person can ever feel. The injury carries with it devastating consequences—spiritually, emotionally and physiologically. It is not a small, superficial, short term trauma. It is deep, extensive, long lasting, and disfiguring. It is not something one can “just deal with” silently and alone. It needs specialized, intentional treatment and care.

As time goes on and we gain some distance from the damage, we can begin to grasp and conceptualize the reality of what happened with clearer eyes and less anguished hearts. We might be able to peer inside the heart and mind of the other person giving us clues as to how it could have happened. Gaining clarity and insight is helpful as we attempt to process and move beyond the trauma. This is not easy and requires much time and support as well as supernatural strength and help for many.

Life appears to spare no one from experiencing seasons of profound heartache, suffering and grief. The pain and disillusionment of it all can leave us stunned, paralyzed, and without hope. But there is hope. It is the hope that from the very ashes of our brokenness, we can glean something precious from it and emerge with an even greater capacity for love and life.

I have humbly observed, and have personally experienced, that as gut-wrenching as the experience of intimate betrayal is, it can also provide the rich opportunity for growth, insight and change like nothing else. I believe it is because the very nature and experience of betrayal begs the questions to its victims: “Who are you? And who are you now? What do you really believe about yourself? Are you in agreement with what this person’s actions have declared about who you are?”

Much of the work is the relentless battle of fighting off painful messages that seem to haunt and batter daily: There is something wrong with me. I wasn’t chosen. Someone else was more captivating, more beautiful, more special, more worthy, more desirable. People with betrayal trauma describe the paralyzing grief, shame and despair they wrestle with incessantly. They share about the PTSD effects they experience in addition to the betrayal. Intrusive images, flashbacks, insomnia, hypervigilance, irritability, health problems, “acting out” in rage and anger, becoming a person they don’t like or recognize, feeling “crazy,” chronically unsafe, empty, numb.

Betrayal is a devastating blow to us biologically and psychologically due to the powerful bonds and attachments we have formed with those deemed “safe”. Being in intimate relationships we trust to meet our core developmental needs is associated with our very sense of well-being, safety and being grounded in reality. Where there have been lies, deception and manipulation of our reality, our own instincts have become exploited and abused. This is one of the most damaging aspects of betrayal. It is a cruel violation of a person’s humanity that results in diminished self-esteem, worth, intense confusion and shame. The trauma of betrayal is multilayered and far reaching.

And yet, incredibly, many in recovery have said that their character and entire person-hood has been refined from the scourge of betrayal. That they feel transformed. They have identified that the sojourn through it actually helped define their true identity. Yes it was agonizing and they wouldn’t have chosen to go through it— but after they survived it, they actually felt stronger and more secure in who they were as individuals.

People who have been betrayed intimately know this cruel all-out attack on one’s body, soul and psyche. Many say it was the worst experience of their lives— the violent death of a hallowed relationship—along with trust, fidelity, love, sacred vows, a dream, a family.

As a betrayal trauma therapist and as one who has traveled this path, it is my firm belief that we can emerge from our most painful, deepest, darkest pits of pain and despair. Although death and destruction do occur, we can survive. The truth is that betrayal is an outward manifestation of what is going on inside of someone’s own heart—and that someone else’s choices and actions are about them— not us. It is an ownership that must be accepted and taken responsibility for. Being betrayed is not a reflection of our failure or ways we didn’t measure up. Intellectually, most of us can comprehend this and even begin to believe this. But while our minds might be able to grasp this, it can take a long time for our wounded hearts and bodies to come to terms with. Deep, internal long term care and repair is needed.

The treatment for betrayal trauma involves a process of phases that we must go through together. These involve stabilization, establishing safety, boundaries, grieving, processing, recovery of self, integration of tools for triggers, making meaning of the trauma, and more. A holistic approach of treatment consisting of emotional, spiritual and bio-psycho-social components are most effective for most.

I marvel with joy at the privilege of walking alongside these people. In the beginning they often can’t see a vision of themselves healed or free from such destruction or pain but I can. I see the healed, alive versions of themselves they can’t yet. They are brave, precious, worthy of time, tenderness, gentle care, and great love. What an honor to journey with them to the place of wholeness and truth.

Most of us wonder about what it might feel like to face our worst fears. We wonder if we would be able to survive the initial terror, horror, and pain of  it, let alone the walking through it. Many who recover claim they discovered valiant courage, strength, resilience, and triumph in place of terror and demise. It was an unexpected—and exquisite gift.

I believe that every act of pain and abuse that has been perpetrated against us can be healed. It is supremely difficult work and it takes much time— but you are worth the resources it will take. Pain and suffering comes to us all but our lives and stories belong to us—no one else. It is true that we were not able to prevent people’s choices or actions. We were vulnerable and were not protected from things that wounded us deeply and should never have happened to us. But we are here now. We are safe now. We have choices now. And we get to choose how our story is framed, how it gets told, and who the victor is in the end.