Tag: <span>Betrayal</span>

Relationship Healing • • • • • • • By Angela Riesterer 0 Comments

When Past Wounds Haunt the Present

I’ve been thinking a lot about how tragic it is when past wounds are still so devastatingly present in relationships.

Perhaps the pain, mistreatment and heartache one suffered relationally is now over, but the fear—the memories—the trauma of what one experienced is still so painfully near and real. Time moves on and life continues. But the sore spots and raw places in us feel ever present. The fear that we might be rejected, abandoned or abused again is strong. Whether we are aware of it or not, we remain in a state of hypervigilance for safety. Some days it feels like we have one foot in the relationship and one foot out. We want intimacy and closeness but if we are honest, the bigger need sometimes feels like self-protection. We remember how bad it was. We never want to be hurt like that again.

Some of us have worked hard to heal these wounds. We have gone to therapy. We have processed the details of the trauma and pain with trusted people. We have grieved and raged and metabolized our full reality of what occurred and what happened to us.

Others of us have received some healing. Maybe it was a very long time ago and it doesn’t sting as much anymore. We have talked about some of what happened and gained insight on how we were impacted by the trauma. Maybe the wounds are still very much there but we try not to think about it. We distract. We stay busy. We try to focus on the positive.

Some of us never received any kind of treatment at all from our relational wounds and have very good reasons for this. The pain and trauma were simply too great and we didn’t feel that we had the resources, support or healthy coping skills on hand for the flood of intense emotions and pain we experienced. For those of us in this camp, the problems in our current relationship are often stark. We have much unresolved pain and trauma which means our capacities are low for emotional connection and intimacy.

Most of us will find that getting into another relationship is in itself a highly triggering event for our past wounds and trauma. We re-enter the often terrifying realm of intimately attaching to another human being. With this comes profound vulnerability and risk—risk for opening up of oneself and getting hurt again. Often times this event will call upon all of our coping tools. It is typically a time of great internal distress as we are confronting our very real fears and past injuries.

Healing from Past Wounds

There is no easy formula for healing. Wouldn’t it be amazing if there was? A hearty swish of a magic wand and “voila!” we are healed. Oh how incredible that would be. There has been so much suffering already. It makes sense to desperately want to not feel any more pain or hardship. The truth though is that there is much work involved with healing and every person has their own unique needs in getting there. I’d like to share some of my thoughts on how one might.

Work On Resolving Your Trauma

Go to therapy. Find someone safe you trust that specializes in relationships and relational trauma healing. Talk about, feel and process the things you haven’t been able to in regards to your past. Get radically honest about what happened, how you were affected by it and how it shaped you. Maybe today it is better timing. Maybe you have more support, more resources, and sturdier coping to handle the tough emotions than you did before—and there is no shame in that. Trauma is stored in the body and needs to be treated holistically. Thus, it is my belief that trauma work is best approached via the physical body (exercise, movement, breath work, etc.), as well as emotionally, cognitively and spiritually. All aspects of what make us human should be utilized for treatment.

Determine If The New Relationship Is Safe

Healing takes place in safe relationships. Pay attention to the behaviors and interactions that don’t feel good to you and resonate with your feeling “unsafe”. This won’t always mean that unsafety or danger is necessarily present but it is important to notice the things that feel off, puzzling or hurtful. If this person is a safe person, the hope is that you can share these things with them honestly and the two of you together can figure out what needs to be figured out and worked on. When one is recovering from trauma of any kind, the need to be in the company of safe people is imperative. You are moving away from abuse, secrecy, manipulation, mistreatment and betrayal. There is now a great need to be “in the light” where one is solidly clear that they are safe, seen and heard. If one does not sense these things, it may be questionable if this person is indeed safe. (Many people can grow in emotional safety if they desire to.)

Know Yourself and What You Need

The hope is that you are very clear now on who you are, what you need and what you will no longer stand for in a relationship or in your life in general. That goes for romantic relationships as well as all relationships. Become good friends with limit setting and boundaries. You are a human being with finite capacity. You have limits. You have needs. You have boundaries with what is acceptable and what is not—what is negotiable and what is not. You have immeasurable worth and value and you are worthy of gentle care, honesty, fidelity and nurturing. You are worth the time, energy and resources it takes to be intentionally pursued and loved. This means you will not accept mistreatment or abuse. The kicker is that you hold these truths sacred and do not waver with that means for yourself and with others. Ever.

Own Your Story

As much as many of us wish we had never experienced the deep wounds and trauma we have from our past relationships, we have. We did. Our fragile hearts, bodies and souls traveled through excruciating pain—and somehow we survived. Admittedly, we would probably choose to have avoided this part of our journey. The hope however is that today we see and know undoubtedly that we learned something profound and that we grew immeasurably from the experience. Perhaps we learned that we could face and survive things we never thought we could. Perhaps we realized our own strength and resiliency. Perhaps it feels empowering to know that we can handle excruciating things and continue to keep on living and loving. What a beautiful and brilliant discovery.

I am fan of making pain count in life. I don’t like to waste things—especially things that had the power to destroy or at the very least render one permanently damaged and without hope. Our lives and experiences are extravagantly precious. I am convinced that we can heal from our deepest wounds and trauma and can live with even deeper intention, meaning, and joy in our lives. We can love even more honestly and intimately and can be loved the same in return.

Relationships • • By Angela Riesterer 2 Comments

Hope and Healing After Betrayal Trauma

“If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it… But it is you… my companion, my close friend.”

(Psalm 55:12-13 NIV)

Have you ever been betrayed by someone close to you? Your heart securely trusted in them only to find out they were keeping secrets, actively lying about who they were—shattering trust, vows, and sacred intimacy with mental or physical infidelity. For some it is a secret pornography addiction, an emotional or physical affair, or sexually acting out outside of the relationship without the partner knowing.

As a therapist, I have sat with many who have experienced the agony of betrayal. I am also a person who has experienced it. I am not sure if there is anything as harrowingly painful. Betrayal trauma is one of the most excruciating experiences a person can ever feel. The injury carries with it devastating consequences—spiritually, emotionally and physiologically. It is not a small, superficial, short term trauma. It is deep, extensive, long lasting, and disfiguring. It is not something one can “just deal with” silently and alone. It needs specialized, intentional treatment and care.

As time goes on and we gain some distance from the damage, we can begin to grasp and conceptualize the reality of what happened with clearer eyes and less anguished hearts. We might be able to peer inside the heart and mind of the other person giving us clues as to how it could have happened. Gaining clarity and insight is helpful as we attempt to process and move beyond the trauma. This is not easy and requires much time and support as well as supernatural strength and help for many.

Life appears to spare no one from experiencing seasons of profound heartache, suffering and grief. The pain and disillusionment of it all can leave us stunned, paralyzed, and without hope. But there is hope. It is the hope that from the very ashes of our brokenness, we can glean something precious from it and emerge with an even greater capacity for love and life.

I have humbly observed, and have personally experienced, that as gut-wrenching as the experience of intimate betrayal is, it can also provide the rich opportunity for growth, insight and change like nothing else. I believe it is because the very nature and experience of betrayal begs the questions to its victims: “Who are you? And who are you now? What do you really believe about yourself? Are you in agreement with what this person’s actions have declared about who you are?”

Much of the work is the relentless battle of fighting off painful messages that seem to haunt and batter daily: There is something wrong with me. I wasn’t chosen. Someone else was more captivating, more beautiful, more special, more worthy, more desirable. People with betrayal trauma describe the paralyzing grief, shame and despair they wrestle with incessantly. They share about the PTSD effects they experience in addition to the betrayal. Intrusive images, flashbacks, insomnia, hypervigilance, irritability, health problems, “acting out” in rage and anger, becoming a person they don’t like or recognize, feeling “crazy,” chronically unsafe, empty, numb.

Betrayal is a devastating blow to us biologically and psychologically due to the powerful bonds and attachments we have formed with those deemed “safe”. Being in intimate relationships we trust to meet our core developmental needs is associated with our very sense of well-being, safety and being grounded in reality. Where there have been lies, deception and manipulation of our reality, our own instincts have become exploited and abused. This is one of the most damaging aspects of betrayal. It is a cruel violation of a person’s humanity that results in diminished self-esteem, worth, intense confusion and shame. The trauma of betrayal is multilayered and far reaching.

And yet, incredibly, many in recovery have said that their character and entire person-hood has been refined from the scourge of betrayal. That they feel transformed. They have identified that the sojourn through it actually helped define their true identity. Yes it was agonizing and they wouldn’t have chosen to go through it— but after they survived it, they actually felt stronger and more secure in who they were as individuals.

People who have been betrayed intimately know this cruel all-out attack on one’s body, soul and psyche. Many say it was the worst experience of their lives— the violent death of a hallowed relationship—along with trust, fidelity, love, sacred vows, a dream, a family.

As a betrayal trauma therapist and as one who has traveled this path, it is my firm belief that we can emerge from our most painful, deepest, darkest pits of pain and despair. Although death and destruction do occur, we can survive. The truth is that betrayal is an outward manifestation of what is going on inside of someone’s own heart—and that someone else’s choices and actions are about them— not us. It is an ownership that must be accepted and taken responsibility for. Being betrayed is not a reflection of our failure or ways we didn’t measure up. Intellectually, most of us can comprehend this and even begin to believe this. But while our minds might be able to grasp this, it can take a long time for our wounded hearts and bodies to come to terms with. Deep, internal long term care and repair is needed.

The treatment for betrayal trauma involves a process of phases that we must go through together. These involve stabilization, establishing safety, boundaries, grieving, processing, recovery of self, integration of tools for triggers, making meaning of the trauma, and more. A holistic approach of treatment consisting of emotional, spiritual and bio-psycho-social components are most effective for most.

I marvel with joy at the privilege of walking alongside these people. In the beginning they often can’t see a vision of themselves healed or free from such destruction or pain but I can. I see the healed, alive versions of themselves they can’t yet. They are brave, precious, worthy of time, tenderness, gentle care, and great love. What an honor to journey with them to the place of wholeness and truth.

Most of us wonder about what it might feel like to face our worst fears. We wonder if we would be able to survive the initial terror, horror, and pain of  it, let alone the walking through it. Many who recover claim they discovered valiant courage, strength, resilience, and triumph in place of terror and demise. It was an unexpected—and exquisite gift.

I believe that every act of pain and abuse that has been perpetrated against us can be healed. It is supremely difficult work and it takes much time— but you are worth the resources it will take. Pain and suffering comes to us all but our lives and stories belong to us—no one else. It is true that we were not able to prevent people’s choices or actions. We were vulnerable and were not protected from things that wounded us deeply and should never have happened to us. But we are here now. We are safe now. We have choices now. And we get to choose how our story is framed, how it gets told, and who the victor is in the end.